control in chaos: my realizations after the college process

I am a good student. I will get into all of my schools. I am a good person. I am deserving of happiness. 

These were my affirmations last fall. I’d write them obsessively in my notebooks and recite them to my walls (when I remembered to). My affirmations were my form of self-respect; I held on to them and hoped that some shooting star and a red robin would fly across whatever magical sky that clouded my perception of truth. 

Despite all of my hoping and praying, I didn’t get into the school I wanted to go to, which I can largely credit to my struggle with depression and anxiety throughout high school. The situation left me acutely disturbed. I deceived myself to believe I was some sort of real-life Gregor Samsa, hindered not by fault but by situation. I’d believed myself to persist, despite my (metaphorical) transformation from human to beetle – or in my case, from healthy fifteen-year-old to depressed sixteen-year-old. 

Graphic by Emily Koch

It was this rejection that shifted my perspective on goal-setting. Whatever it may be that we choose to associate ourselves with – schools, careers, people, etc. – our selections often reflect our definition of “success.” Often, success is defined by productivity. It is commonly determined by the income we accumulate, but can also be determined by how happy, fun, or smart we want to appear. Success is the pressure to perform; to achieve on a predetermined scale of what is acceptable by society. 

Our need to perform for others is powerful once it is internalized by the individual. We are subject to feeling external pressures regardless if we want to or not; the extent of control we have exists inside. Realizing this permits the sense of individuality and peace needed to genuinely be productive. Productivity in its true form is achieving one’s highest self. Those who are able to pave a path on their own terms are the ones who ultimately become the most successful. 

After being knocked off what I thought my intended path was, I found control of my college situation by attending an abroad program for my first semester. Giving myself space to realize the control I have over my future has allowed me to experience fulfillment. It has allowed me to grow and give myself the opportunity to construct a version of myself with healthier intentions. These are my newly established affirmations, my advice for all of those who feel strangled by the pressures of the formula:

I trust myself. I respect myself. I work hard. I feel fulfilled.