getting naked in london for body confidence
Graphic by Grace Livecchi
Not many people can say that they have interacted with Charli XCX. Even fewer people can say that the British pop powerhouse may have seen their genitalia. I moved to London as atwenty-year-oldd wide-eyed queer boy who dreamed of taking the city by storm. New and friendless in the Big Smoke, I downloaded Tinder and got to work.
One particular date took me to Heaven, a queer paradise where the clientele sparkled and the music was bumping. I used Heaven as a playground and as a networking environment, and worked up the courage to approach others. I infiltrated dance circles to meet new people.
Bras, briefs, and boxers alike were thrown around on the stage of Porn Idol, one of London’s most exciting – and raunchiest – nights out. The first Thursday night I witnessed the ‘competition’ in action, I was invigorated and enthralled. Seeing others have enough confidence to get fully naked enthralled me, and at this point in my journey, I decided that it was time to give it a shot.
Body image was something I struggled with consistently throughout high school and college, and this would be an unprecedented amount of exposure therapy. Immediately after signing up, I felt a pit in my stomach – but with a limited social network, I saw it as an opportunity. The night of the competition quickly approached; it was a special night because Charli XCX was going to be there showcasing her new album, Crash. The pressure was on – not to mention, the club was at its capacity.
Backstage, I interacted with other contestants, which helped me calm my nerves before I would get on the stage. There were people who had done the competition several times, but also some newcomers like myself. With near-debilitating nerves starting to take over as we were minutes away from the competition, I decided to talk to more potential friends (strangers) to calm me down.
Metallic red flared pants and a floral 70s button-down shirt draped over my glitter-ridden body as I started to walk towards the stage. When Charli was walking off the stage after a great set of her then-new album, Crash, we bumped shoulders as she wished us all good luck. The situation would have been hilarious if I wasn’t so nervous.
Once my name was called, my brain switched to autopilot and I took the stage. I flung my shirt to the side as the audience cheered me on. As I continued to strip to Charli XCX and Troye Silvan’s 1999, the timer started to run out – and so did my clothes. Hearing an audience, however intoxicated, cheer after I took my boxers off was a foreign feeling that I never would have imagined happen to me. I saw smiles and flashes from phone cameras filming me, which made me feel like an adult film star.
At the end of my performance, I was filled with an extraordinary feeling. I wish it could have been from another situation, but something definitely switched that night. This was the first time I remember feeling so confident in my body. I felt self-love like never before. And I got completely naked in front of one thousand people and Charli XCX.